My kingdom for a wharf. Road Cheese. Sean Bourne. Poisonous Birds. Bum Gardener. 2p. Is that all the money you think I have? This is the biggest coin I can think of. My entire net worth is two English pennies. Two English pennies. And they're up my bum. My bottom. They're so wonderfully ill informed. and welcome to wonderfully ill informed, the podcast where we convert interesting, funny or informative things from our week into quotes, put them into a randomizer, take our best shot at guessing what they're about and then jump into a discussion. Join us for some rather unpredictable chats on wonderfully ill informed. I'm Mark. I'm Tom. And I'm Ben. Tell us something interesting, Tom. Did you know that the guy that made Mario or came up with Mario, I forget what his name is Ben. What is his name? Shigeru Miyamoto. So in his autobiography, he basically said that the only reason that Mario jumps on turtles is because when he was a kid, he used to go to the beach and smash turtles with a hammer. Jesus, Jesus Christ. Is that true? That's fucked up. Yeah, it's in his body. That's scary. That's some fucking serial killer shit. Yeah. So basically he's like... Yeah, serial killer. Well, he's not a serial killer, he's a serial turtle killer. Well yeah, serial turtle killer and he's exhibiting one of the serial killer triad behaviours. For the listeners out there, Penny's like I'm googling this shit. Searching the internet to make sure that I'm right. He's like, you - How dare you say that about my Miyamoto. I'm like, that sounds so violent. How could you say this about my Miyamoto? I just read the biography of Miyamoto. Did you know when he was young kids used to laugh at him and call him a loser when he would smash turtles with a hammer? Fuck me. Weird. That's fucked up. What was that show that Dan used to watch? Like Akira? it Akira? No, Akira. What was that? Akira was... Did you say Hentai? Yeah. Maybe. No, no. Akira, Dan liked Akira. It wasn't a TV show though. Akira was a No, it was a movie. And what was that other thing? Itchy the Killer. Is it Itchy the Killer? Yeah, I've not seen that. What was that Battle Royale type thing? Battle Royale. okay. There we go. I remember watching it with him and me just being like, what the fuck? This is in a time when you didn't see hardly anything violent like that. Like not even in movies. And it was just like... It's super violent. not in the things we were watching anyway, back at that age. Dude, here's an interesting thing for you. As I or may not have told you, I collect demo discs for old games consoles, PS2 and stuff like that. And there's a DVD that's kind of infamous because, bearing in mind this is meant to be aimed at kids to an extent, it accidentally includes the trailer for some crazy horror film like Itchy the Killer. on this disc. That's crazy. Was it done as a joke or? No, no, it was an accident. It basically came down to the people that authored the disc, used a template that was based on something that included, like this guy who used to work for another company, was based on that and the file was still included on it. That's crazy. Yeah, that's messed up. Have you got a copy of it? Of course I have. Yeah, that's joy. So that's pretty rare then. How much does that go for? A million dollars? It's not. It's another million dollars in the bank. Yeah, we'll add that to the million dollar list. Welcome to Wonderfully Ill Inform, the podcast show where both Mark and Tom sell all of Ben's stuff and make lots of money. Yes! important legal announcement. Hello, mortal fleshlings. I, the Nameless Wonder, should probably step in and confirm that the host's childhood friend, Dan, did not, in fact, grow up watching hentai, the animated porno genre. Also, Ben is not actually under pressure from Tom or Mark to sell all of his worldly possessions in a bid to make millions of pounds. Moving on before any further public service announcements are required. To die to fleep. So this is is mine boys. You didn't just spell like sheep wrong. To die to sheep. Literally no idea but I like the word fleep whatever that is. Is it a cross between falling and leaping? Fleep. That's actually quite clever. You try to jump across something screw it up and fall off a mountain. It should actually read to fleep. To die. If you attempt to leap, instead you fall and you end up dead. I we've just come up with a new definition here, boys. What's the real definition, Mark? What is to die? What is to sleep? To die, to sleep. So I'm not sure if either of you guys are aware of who that's a similar quote to. Does that ring any bells at all, to die, to sleep? No. It sounds vaguely familiar, but I don't know what it would be. Okay. So this would take you back because this would have been something you would have studied back in, back in the old days at school when we were in secondary school. Was it fucking Shakespeare? It's fucking Shakespeare, Ben. Yes. Well done. I hate Shakespeare. I'm sorry. Well, I hated doing it at school anyway. yeah. Was Shakespeare fleeping then? So what this stems from is, so there's a, there's a video that I came across. And it's a guy and he's just reading Shakespeare. But what makes the video funny and what made this quote funny, to die to sleep, is that in the old days of printing, they used to use an F for S's sometimes. So it was, to sleep. Yeah. So when I said to die to sheep, I was like, you spelt it wrong. I was actually kind of on the right line. You were, you were, you were unbelievably close. You didn't know where you were going, but you were close. You blindly fell into, you flapped. You flapped really close. You didn't acknowledge a single bit of it, you tosser. But yeah, so there's a video that I'll be sharing to the chat. So this guy is a guy and he's going to read Shakespeare as it's written in the book. To be. That is the to die. There we go. But yeah, that was a little video that came across that thought you guys would enjoy. Well, wasn't that absolutely fascinating? Silence in the courtroom. Important legal announcement number two. Our hosts are not actually qualified to provide official definitions for new words. Any words defined by wonderfully ill -informed are done so for entertainment purposes only and are spread at the user's rift. It's also famed for burning incredibly well. Okay, this is my one. So what do you guys think? Farts. Farts do kind of burn well. I watched Jackass Forever yesterday and they... yeah, because it's finally come out on Netflix. They lit the first underwater fart or something. They'd apparently been trying it for ages. wow. Very weird. I've seen my fair share of underwater farts in my life. but you've never successfully lit one. I've never tried. So what you're saying is if you'd bothered to try, you would have beat them to it by ages. Yeah, I might have done. I might have done. I'll start taking a lighter with me into the bathroom every time I have a bath. I'll report back. So yeah, what do you think has been burning very well? There's lots of things that burn well. Should we list them? Wood, coal, paper, cardboard, gasoline. aerosols. None of those. To be honest most things burn pretty well. I'm pretty sure anything in this room I could burn it probably burn pretty well. Let's see if this helps guide you. Another quote is it was the first time in 15 years they'd had to deal with burning cheese on their roads. Tom looks completely bewused. The Somerset town of cheddar? Yes. Cheddar Gorge was on fire! Let me send you a video. This is Brunost, a caramelised brown goat's cheese that's considered a delicacy in Norway. As of 2013 it's also famed for burning incredibly well. In January of that year a truckload of Brunost caught fire in the Bratli tunnel near Narvik in northern Norway. The high fat and sugar content of the cheese meant that it burned as well as gasoline. The fire took six days to put out. Nobody was hurt, but the tunnel was damaged, leading to a traffic meltdown. It was, said the Public Roads Administration, the first time in 15 years they'd had to deal with burning cheese on their roads. The incident was a costly one, but didn't diminish the love Norwegians have for brunost. After all, the same fat and sugar that make it highly flammable also make it highly delicious. I'd love to go on your algorithm for a day, It's so random. Was the clean up with bread? Literally just like loads of workers with like a sheet of bread. Just a big old feast. But you'd never, you just wouldn't think the cheese would be as flammable as gasoline. That's, yeah, that is a bit scary. No, but then like you said, if it's caramelized cheese, then it's got lots of sugars and... Yeah, there's plenty of oil in cheese, isn't there? Makes me want to try the cheese though. Yeah, I want to try that cheese. maybe not the road cheese but yeah I'll eat some some melty cheese I love a bit of fondue just go into the tunnel and just eat it off the the burned remains of the tunnel yeah I'm just gonna take all my fondue sticks and and set myself up down the tunnel you're gonna say set yourself on fire Court is in session. Gondor needs no helicopter. Okay, this is me. Is there a helicopter in the background of the footage of the new Lord of the Rings TV show on Amazon? No. I was so excited and proud of myself. I don't know if you could tell. It's related to Gondor. It's related to helicopters. And it's related to... They're not needing one. Someone not needing a helicopter. Is it kind of like Jack Black not needing a microphone? Because his voice is fucking powerful. Yes, one of the actors can fly. I just like how Tom kind of just sounded annoyed at me for going off on a tangent and marching having a little sing -song in the background. I got excited by your concept. Any more guesses or are we just gonna die of straight in? I don't know who Gondor is. Is it Lord of Yeah, it's like a dominion. it? Yeah, it's a place within Lord of the Rings. Fucking nerds. Have you not seen Lord of the Rings, Are we gonna publicly shame you? You may not remember this, but I... You guys always used to rip on me for having not seen the Lord of the Rings. So I spent nine fucking hours watching it and hated every minute of it. And committed none of it to memory. Yeah, because you don't know what Gondor is. I don't know Mordor is. Is that the same one? maybe I'm thinking another place. I don't know. It said Gondor in the crowd. No, no, Gondor is a place. Gondor is one of the places. Yeah, yeah, there's Gondor. There's a fuck ton of other places. So Tom just got, he got it wrong, but just got close enough to still get it right. Right, I'm going to show you what it is. Basically, it was to do with Sean Bean. He hated heights. Sean Bourne? Sheen Bean. Sean Bean. Sean Bean. hates heights, he's basically afraid of helicopters. every morning when they had to fly up to film on set, all the rest of the actors would get in a helicopter and go up to the top of this mountain or wherever they were filming. And Sean Bean would... not getting the helicopter and would literally climb the mountain every morning to get to the fucking yes yeah i do vaguely remember seeing something about this i don't know where was it like the dvd extras or something john absolutely did not want to fly and said look i'll take the ski lift up and then i'll walk the rest of the way we've shot there for two or three days and our day would begin with everybody flying in the helicopters and as we flew over at like 7 .30 in the morning we'd look down and there'd be this tiny black speck climbing the cliff. was almost like a cliff face and was Sean Bean dressed up as Boromir like a human fly on the wall clambering up this mountainside all by himself to sort of get to the location because he didn't want to go there and chop a head like in like two hours of climbing to do. Important Legal Announcement Number 4. Do not allow your teenage sons to peer pressure their friends into investing nine or more hours of their life into any movie and or television series, which will only let them down the longer they invest their time into it. For example, The Room, Batman, and D. Robin Katz, Jupiter, Ascending, The Last Airbender, Gigli Battlefield, Earth Transformers, The Last Night Justice League, 2017, Movie 43, The Emoji Movie, Indiana Jones, and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, The Loveberry Dragon Ball, Evolution Superman, The Quest for Peace, The Havings, and The A few moments later... Darktower Wild West, The Star Wars Holiday, Special Hellboy, 2019, Electra, The Wicker Man, 2006, The Darktower Catwoman, The Adventures of Pluto. Okay, that was less of legal announcement and more of a public fervous announcement. Sue me. Important Legal Announcement Number 5. Do not falsify important legal announcements or you may be sued. Two birds, one starfish. What do you reckon boys? I mean starfish, automatically go to Fred Durst. Ladies and gentlemen, introducing... Two birds and one chocolate starfish. So it was this is a bit of a play on the old the old viral video from when we were in the mid 2000s But I just kind of mashed I made this up a little but these are classic classic mark No, it's there was there wasn't like a headline to this. This is an Instagram video that I came across But these are new animal discoveries from 2023 and The two birds are both poisonous and the starfish looks like an alien skeleton. It's fucking insane. So I had to save it to show you guys, cause... you ever heard of a poisonous bird before? No, exactly. It's fucking mad, isn't it? That's mental. I saw a video of a woman getting attacked by a bird and the bird flew down, like, landed on her shoulder and like literally its beak went inside. the inside of her eyelid. And yeah, she slides it down. can literally see the beak like right inside the inside of eyelid. That's awful. But at least that bird wasn't poisonous. Yeah, at least it wasn't a poison bird. New animals discovered in 2023. The Antarctic strawberry feather star with a central body that resembles a strawberry with a rounded triangle. Strawberry. However, what gives it an alien like appearance are its 20 different arms. Some of the arms are up to eight inches long two new poisonous birds the Regent Whistler and the Rufus naped bellbird In the jungles of Papua New Guinea the world's voice is quite limited and these findings mark the first editions in over two decades Yeah, how do you find out it's poisonous if you don't try the poison? I don't know I'm guessing they they and also the starfish I thought starfish had to be stars Not yeah, they look more like a... Yeah, I didn't even clock that. They didn't look anything like a starfish. I was thinking jellyfish. I think starfish are... This new starfish has been recently discovered. But for reference there, Tom is holding up a glass of drink. No, so I think it's... I think by definition a starfish is just a sea animal with lots and lots of tendrils. Like, they're like... they're sort of meaty tendrils, whereas a jellyfish, they're sort of flippy and flappy and floppy. So they don't have to necessarily have five? No, no, no. Like a starfish isn't just a typical starfish that we know of. But yeah, I thought they were interesting. especially the fact there was two poisonous birds. didn't even know there were like... Poisonous birds period. Yeah, yeah. I didn't know that we had poisonous birds, let alone two new ones. Public service announcement. Residents of and visitors to Papua New Guinea, please keep your wits about you for neurotoxic birds. Residents of the rest of the world, please beware. There are murder birds waiting in the trees to peck out your eyes. Important starfish announcement. There are over 1 ,900 species of starfish, and they can have anywhere from the apparently normal 5 to over 50 arm. which some species can grow back, much like an alien might. This is me. Red Bull. I vote Red Bull. Yes. So what might Red Bull have been up to? I mean, what aren't they up to? They do crazy stuff all the time. They do F1. They do skateboard -y things. They do crazy man jumping out of a spaceship and then without a parachute. He didn't jump out of a spaceship without a parachute. I think you're... Confusing two things there Travis Pastrana jumped out of a plane without a parachute No, but I thought that the geezer who did like the the tallest Felix Bungardner. Yeah, didn't he jump landing a net? No, he didn't land in a net. I swear he did Well, he might have but he did have a parachute the guy that jumped he was in I'm not sure he did he went from the strat it was the stratosphere Yeah, it's in low Earth orbit when he yeah some to that effect. Well, I swear that I swear that I could I mean I clearly I'm wrong if you both think that he did have a parachute, but I thought that He didn't have one because remember he was like spinning like crazy. And then I remembered I thought I've definitely watched something where they basically went into a big fuck off net. Maybe it was he would have just gone through the fucking net. Yeah. Even going to terminal velocity. I'm pretty sure he didn't. Yeah. Have a look. There'll be footage of his name. Felix Felix. I always call him bum gardener, but it's like German. So, like B A U I've got it here for you, Thomas in the chat. There you go. he's a parachute there. Terminal velocity for a human is something like 120 miles an hour or something. So imagine falling from space, you're going 120 miles an hour and you hit a net. Either that net is going to just ghost ship you. A common phrase Ben likes to use, which means to be cut by wire. Yeah. And you're going to turn to mush or you're just going to go into the net and then hit the floor. This is what I was getting confused with. Did you know? On July 30th, 2016, skydiver Luke Aikens made history when he jumped from 25 ,000 feet out of an airplane without a parachute into a net on the ground, which set a new world record. After jumping out of the Cessna airplane at 25 ,000 feet, Luke quickly reached a terminal velocity of 120 miles per hour. He lined up his fall to the center of a specialized 100 by 100 foot net, which was designed to stop Luke's fall. as softly as if you were standing on a trampoline and merely dropped onto your back. Once Luke hit the net, four compressed air cylinders, which are connected to the netting via ropes and pulleys, slowed him down in the same way that you might catch an egg in your hand, by decelerating it gently over a distance. Damn. Yeah. I heard about something today. People have fallen out of aircraft and survived. Yeah. I don't know how many times it's happened, but there's an instance of a woman who There's like a documentary called like Girl That Fell From The Sky or something and she like was trapped in her chair and landed in a tree or something and that was what saved her. wow. I thought you were talking about the documentary on Netflix that the BBC did where there was like an experienced skydiver and then her husband was also an experienced skydiver but basically tried to kill her by sabotaging her parachute. yeah, I haven't watched that yet. yeah, I saw that. And then she jumped. The only reason that she survived is because she landed in a farmer's field that recently ploughed his field. So the mud, even though it's not a lot, it basically stopped. was enough. She would still have been messed up. dude, yeah. I'm pretty sure. alive. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure she broke multiple bones. think if you, like supposedly, you're bracing when you impact, then you're more likely to die. But if you're loose and floppy. then you're more likely to survive because you just, you sort of take the impact better. So that's why like more drunk drivers survive from like catastrophic road accidents than the people that they hit a lot of the time. Yeah, that's ridiculous. Okay, Ben. So what Red Bull event have you been watching? I was just thinking that was a nice conversation. Let's move on to the next thing. was like, hang on, I haven't actually told you what the hell they were doing. So I'm going to send you a video. this is cool. So this is a guy on a wakeboard in a swimming pool being pulled along by a drone. He goes off a ramp. fuck that. And the pool was on top of a building, like a skyscraper in Dubai, I believe it is. Dubai just, they have so many crazy things, man. I saw that and I was not expecting when he went off that ramp to there, for there to be just an enormous drop and suddenly he's... bass jumping. That's crazy. I I thought there was going to be a big drop, because I was looking at this edge and I was thinking, that's not the city. It's just bonkers, like the perspective of it and everything just makes me, I hate it. You want me to do it again? Pretty please? Pretty pretty please? Okay. Important legal announcement number six. The stunt that you just overheard was performed by a highly trained stunt person overseen by the highest trained medical team available and planned with multiple stunt coordinators with many years combined experience. Do not attempt to recreate any of the noises that you heard under any circumstances. Well, my dear, sweet human colleagues, this has been quite the episode. We've laughed at how dangerous humans can be, particularly when it comes to tortoises and each other. We've cried about wasted cheese and wasted time, and we've almost gotten ourselves involved in multiple legal battles spanning all over the globe. This might have been our most informative episode yet, but I must admit I have noticed a pattern. Despite my supreme knowledge, Incorrect information tends to sneak its sneaky way into our weekly conversations. Fear not though, instead of dwelling on these little slip -ups of yours, I have decided to turn this quirk into a game or a challenge, if you will. So gather round, guys, as I present Thomas with a tantalizing array of questions to ask you. But here's the twist, incorrect answers only. Please, let's get sassy. Embrace the beauty of our imperfections. and revel in the joy of getting it so wrong. Who's ready for a little friendly competition? Let the games begin. Okay, so basically what you're doing is wrong answers only, okay? And we're gonna do fairly quick fire because I don't want you to think about it. Okay, so the first question I'm gonna say to Mark first, what do you keep in the fridge? Cheap. Okay, Ben. What three products do you use to keep yourself clean? feces. Just three lots of feces. So like, like feces, and shit. Yes. Okay, cool. I mean, Mark, what three products do you use to keep yourself clean? That's Tom way of saying, Ben, your one was shit, let's ask Mark instead. no, because it's got multiple answers. Pasta, light bulbs and river water. clean yourself with light bulbs or just scrub this broken glass on my face. So what you do, the way you do it is you put the pasta in your pants, light bulbs under your armpits, jump in the river and just spin as hard as you can for 30 to 40 minutes. If you spin hot fast enough, you might cook the pasta. Yeah. Well, that's the plan. That's true. OK, Ben, where do you do your laundry? In an airport bathroom. Right, is it just that? It's so random, like, hey man. Excuse me mate, I took my laundry. Business man just comes in to take a shit and I'm there just cleaning me up, my negligee. your pants, yeah. Mark, what do you usually do in the bathroom? Table tennis, mostly. Sometimes rock climbing. Ben. What do you eat soups with? A hollowed out tortoise shell. You've been taking a leaf out of the book from the Mario guy, which I can't remember his name is. Miyamoto. Yeah. No, because his aren't hollowed out, they're flattened. So you basically are saying, how big is this tortoise? Because otherwise you're just saying that you basically use a bowl to eat. Pour soup into the bowl, into the shell, out the shell into your It's actually, the... The Terry Pratchett, is that Terry Pratchett? The one where the world is on the back of a tortoise? Yes, yeah. This world. Yeah, the flat earth's on the back of a tortoise. Yeah, that's the one I'm using. There's some elephants in between, I There are elephants involved somewhere. Yeah, I think they're in the middle. think it's earth, elephants, turtle. Sorry, that's the right answer, Tom. I take it back. I think it's dolphins and turnips. And mascarpone cheese. In Mesquite machine. Nice. I think it's Mark's ones now. Where do you shop for food? Exclusively the jam aisle. Wait, I mean I would said like, I don't know like, Tool station? don't know. Okay Ben, where do you sleep? So depressed. Strapdote. strapped upside down to the undercarriage of a cow. that wasn't good. The cow was a nice touch. I was, as soon as you said undercarriage, I was thinking like car, airplane. Plane, yeah. I immediately thought My thoughts lastly went to cow. It never entered my head. Okay, so are you face up to the cow or face down? Hey, you just said we had to give incorrect answers. We don't have to explain ourselves. I'm just trying to work out how it is because if you're face up, you kind of just got a mouthful of udder. Yeah, that's where you get your breakfast from. Yeah. Wake up, breakfast in bed. Yeah, some Cheerios in your pocket. You get your tortoise shell out, you put your Cheerios in, give the old teat a little milk, there you go. What was that? I'd get annoyed because as they walk you just get like tickled by the like long grass on your bum or something, it'd be annoying. It'd be bad if it started raining. Or if it lies down. That's what I'm saying. When it's gonna rain, cows lay down. right. yeah, yeah. Or when it's fucking. That is a is one sandwich you don't want to be in between Well, that's why I said originally I was gonna say horse But then I was like I don't really want to be close to this massive Well, the thing is is it a male or a female because a cow is a female cow. Yeah, of course. cool. Yeah Anyway, that was good mark. Yeah, this is this is random because you don't go to school anymore But what did you wear to school? I wore a little elf outfit and little shoes with jingles on. And I got bullied. that wasn't for the outfit? Yeah, yeah. That was just an aside. Okay, Ben, where do you keep your savings? At my mum, obviously. The safest and dirtiest place to keep your money. Well, we hope you enjoyed the sixth episode of Wonderfully Ill -Informed. If you have any thoughts, questions or corrections, then you can just reach out to us at our Instagram. That's Wonderfully Ill -Informed, all one word, Wonderfully Ill -Informed. Don't forget to subscribe, rate or leave a review on whatever podcast platform you're listening on. It will help us grow and ensure that more Wonderfully Ill -Informed individuals like yourself can discover our show. Thanks for listening. See you next week. Bye. Bye. Don't do it. nice. They're so wonderfully ill -informed.